one step back, two forwards. . .

do you ever look back and think

"why did I do it?", "why did it happen to me?", "why me?", "what an idiot I was", "why wasn't I thinking?", "I really really really wish I hadn't done it". . .

. . .believing (rather than knowing) that you actually think that you are reconciled to where you are

. . .it is possible to be reach a place of self-acceptance, after so much self-doubt and questioning

. . .it is possible to reach a place where you just have to move on from what was before - but still never move to a time when it can never hurt you again
.
. . .is that pain a little like picking off a scab from a never-to-heal wound, watching the blood drip, for don't you need a reminder that you must never be that un-self-aware again
.
. . .does it ever go away
.
. . .whatever time you are in, whatever place you are in - does it ever go away
.
. . .is that a good thing, the constant reminder, however far away you get, that it's still at your side
.
. . .still part of you

6 comments:

Mel said...

(((((((((( ILTV )))))))))))

I struggle with wanting to say so much and being so inadequate to the task of putting it into words.

I am all that I AM.....and you are all that you are.
I don't let go of what is ME, those experiences, those happenings--they go with me...their purpose is redefined, their value shifts--but they're valued for what they are...a piece of ME--of YOU.

I can truly say, today--all that I AM....I AM because of all that was and all that remains and all that IS.

Now, see, I told ya I couldn't put it into words......

I shoulda just stuck with the hug.

((((((((((( ILTV )))))))))))))

BTW--found another rose cream in the box.....and it's yours.

*HUGE hugs*

mig said...

Big big hugs.

Yes. I've looked back and thought those things except usually, I'm afraid, I know pretty well why it happened to me.
I think you need to heal before you can use the scars to remind yourself of lessons learnt? One step at a time.

I think a time comes when you pick at the memories and they're just that - just memories. Sad and regretful maybe but not open wounds any more.

People aren't really made to be completely comfortable with themselves all the time. It wouldn't be reasonable seeing as how even the easiest life comes with problems. And yes, it is possible to come to a place of self acceptance. You have self doubts and questions but that's human. You also have self worth and certainties and it all adds up to the precious person that you are.

You dear, dear I, need to keep smoothing balm on your wounds even if it doesn't help right away. The going away of the pain can't be guaranteed but it's a very good possibility. It's truly worth the huge effort to let go of as much pain as you can as often as it tries to come back.

((((((((((( I )))))))))))
(Oh, I talk too much. Just don't let the bastards get you down cos you're ok kid)

Mel said...

Yup--and what she said, too!

((((((((((( ILTV ))))))))))))

I, Like The View said...

x

planetcity1 said...

((((((ILTV)))))))

katherine. said...

hugging you too