a different dynamic

for so long now I have been living with grief

it pervades my every waking moment and many of my sleeping ones
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this is not a bad thing, to be able to grieve is a very important process - anyone who's lost anyone (or indeed, even something special) will understand; there's no point pretending that things don't change, for they do; there's no point pretending that things are worse now, or - in some cases - better than they were, because what one has to accept is things are as they are and one just has to get on with it

it is as if I finally understand the phrases status quo and que sera sera
.

but one thing that's been really bugging me recently is the lack of sunshine, lack of light, lack of warmth: it's making me want to hibernate - which is not good

no, dear reader, not good at all; today, for the first time EVER in my whole life I went back to bed when I'd seen the two remaining POVS off to school. . . . . .I must have fallen straight back to sleep, and therefore assume that I need the sleep, because I didn't wake again until almost twelve o'clock: a whole morning wasted - but is that a waste of a morning if one needs the sleep?

sometimes I wonder if I should go back to The Head Doctor. . .. . .and discuss my meds (minimal now, but ongoing); sometimes I wonder if I should just be more disciplined; sometimes I wonder if I ought to just get myself an occupation (apart from this one)(ho ho ho)

you're right, of course, I spend too much time wondering - but it's the first time in my life that I can. . . I've never had a period of time in my life like this before - have always been rushing about, learning things, working hard, acquiring skills, playing hard, looking after people

the husband of one of my friends was made redundant a while ago and he spent a year between jobs, he just mooched around for twelve months (she had lots of plans for him, things he'd said that he always wanted to do and she thought that that time was his opportunity: he didn't do any of them)

my mother, who survived three occasions of being bombed out during WW2, had drilled into me that one mustn't waste time (perhaps, I can now see, because she'd come so close to not having any) and filled me right up to the brim up at a very early age with the PWE (despite her being educated by Catholic nuns and having agnostic parents); I'm more relaxed with my children, but I still talk the talk (a parent has to instill some semblance of life values and the value of a life, eh)
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but I don't want them to think that doing nothing (apart from running a minor household) is ok - cos it's not, is it (well, I don't think so) but at the same time I do want to be here for them at every moment that they are available to me (how can I fit a job around that?) because one day, not so far away, they'll be gone
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and, the other thing, how can you tell when you're all grieved out and feeling better again?