a different dynamic

for so long now I have been living with grief
it pervades my every waking moment and many of my sleeping ones
.
this is not a bad thing, to be able to grieve is a very important process - anyone who's lost anyone (or indeed, even something special) will understand; there's no point pretending that things don't change, for they do; there's no point pretending that things are worse now, or - in some cases - better than they were, because what one has to accept is things are as they are and one just has to get on with it

it is as if I finally understand the phrases status quo and que sera sera
.

but one thing that's been really bugging me recently is the lack of sunshine, lack of light, lack of warmth: it's making me want to hibernate - which is not good
no, dear reader, not good at all; today, for the first time EVER in my whole life I went back to bed when I'd seen the two remaining POVS off to school. . . . . .I must have fallen straight back to sleep, and therefore assume that I need the sleep, because I didn't wake again until almost twelve o'clock: a whole morning wasted - but is that a waste of a morning if one needs the sleep?

sometimes I wonder if I should go back to The Head Doctor. . .. . .and discuss my meds (minimal now, but ongoing); sometimes I wonder if I should just be more disciplined; sometimes I wonder if I ought to just get myself an occupation (apart from this one)(ho ho ho)

you're right, of course, I spend too much time wondering - but it's the first time in my life that I can. . . I've never had a period of time in my life like this before - have always been rushing about, learning things, working hard, acquiring skills, playing hard, looking after people

the husband of one of my friends was made redundant a while ago and he spent a year between jobs, he just mooched around for twelve months (she had lots of plans for him, things he'd said that he always wanted to do and she thought that that time was his opportunity: he didn't do any of them)
my mother, who survived three occasions of being bombed out during WW2, had drilled into me that one mustn't waste time (perhaps, I can now see, because she'd come so close to not having any) and filled me right up to the brim up at a very early age with the PWE (despite her being educated by Catholic nuns and having agnostic parents); I'm more relaxed with my children, but I still talk the talk (a parent has to instill some semblance of life values and the value of a life, eh)
.
but I don't want them to think that doing nothing (apart from running a minor household) is ok - cos it's not, is it (well, I don't think so) but at the same time I do want to be here for them at every moment that they are available to me (how can I fit a job around that?) because one day, not so far away, they'll be gone
.
and, the other thing, how can you tell when you're all grieved out and feeling better again?

8 comments:

zIggI said...

I have no idea, please tell me when you find out! :)

Rimshot said...

Would you kindly define 'waste' as it relates to this matter? It seems purely a matter of personal perspective and choice. "Filling time" because it's there seem silly to me, but that's me.

And you can tell when you're feeling better by... um... noting that you feel better.

Similarly, I read something once where someone asked of someone smart or clever (like B.Franklin or Socrates or someone like that) that went a bit like: "How can I be virtuous?" and the smart guy said, "BE virtuous."

Dave said...

PWE is strong in me. I'm busy all the time, but for the first time ever with no paid employment to occupy me I'm busy doing (generally) things I want to do (clearly I don't want to do housework).

It was very odd when I was ill being told the only treatment was to rest, and so being forced to sit around for 3 months. I feel much better since I've been digging in the garden this last week.

Could you get an allotment? They must have some, even in London town.

Sorry, I'm not really doing much here other than fill in blank spaces.

Still, that's true of life itself, isn't it?

Z said...

I don't think it was a morning wasted at all. But I think that a sound sleep is very healing.

And grief never really goes away, you cope with it better and time dulls the effects and you find other things to enjoy and fill your life. But it can still hit you and you have to be very kind to yourself when it does. You can still start to feel better though, and I think that Dave's right - growing things is very healing, even if you can't put all the hard work into it that he does. An allotment is a good idea, but only if you can manage the work, and there may be a waiting list anyway, but a window box or some pots could be a start.

Do remember that it's normal and natural to feel miserable, dull and lethargic at the end of winter - there's a lot of grumbling going on about it at present, including from me. Possibly, especially from me.

I think that one sign of recovery, by the way, is when one unfeeling or snappy word no longer gives you several days of depression.

I, Like The View said...

Z you always know exactly what to say

so thank you

I rarely have days, or even hours of depression any more - things are looking up

I've been thinking of window boxes and freshening up the plants in the courtyard - will stop thinking and start taking action

(and I tried for it not to all come across as grumbling. . . but in almost Mid-March, it's getting tricky!)

Dave if we lived closer, I'd offer to do your housework in exchange for you working on my roof garden

(-:

shot "be" is brilliant (have you read Tuesdays With Morrie yet?)

thank you

ziGGz I'll keep you posted honey

Mel said...

Oh, Z said it all so nicely.....

I don't see the morning's nap as a 'waste' of anything--more of a healing thing. Good grief, this is a 'first'? Well, I say 'good for you!...'bout time!'.

And like Z, I'd echo that grief doesn't seem to exit my life. 'Stuff' happens and some of the feelings of loss resurface....like Mothering Day sparking that motherless upbringing I had, yaknow? It's there, it's not all encompassing and it doesn't debilitate me today. That's growth and healing for ya--well, it is for me.

(((((((((((( ILTV ))))))))))))

Listen to Z--she said it so well.
And spring is coming. Flower pots are already beckoning to me!

mig said...

It's a hard time of year for many people. (perhaps most people). A good time for an occasional hibernation and an occasional luxury. And as Z says, a bit of growing(of plants)can be healing.
No harm in going to see the Head Doctor either - to discuss meds and to ask if perhaps a little extra help is available at this time of year when you feels as if you've been fighting your way through the cold and damp for ever. I seem to recall that the HD was a reasonably good egg?

I, Like The View said...

mig he was. . . my overall sense is that I just need to get myself sorted out, only I have no oooomph at the moment (and I'm wondering why)

X

Mel I think it becomes part of you, doesn't it, the grief - something that you can't shake off but something that make you you


and weird how it's a feeling I feel now that's replaced other things I used to feel that I don't anymore - if only I'd understood all those years ago the things you wrote about feelings

I kind of do now

X