star gazing

(or, possibly, navel gazing)

I just sat in the swing seat, enjoying a much needed moment of peace - far above me were clouds, scudding across the sky, in between them I could see small patches of night dotted with stars

in a short few weeks I'll be off on a holiday and one thing I'm looking forward to is sitting on the cliffs at night listening to the crash of the waves and looking up at the heavens in the glory that is not seen in a flood-lit city's light polluted suburb
.

another thing I'm looking forward to is sitting on the cliffs during the day watching the surf crash on the rocks below (I'm hopeful for some sunshine) (otherwise, I'll wear an anorak)
.

it's the most strange sensation - that of looking forward to something! I haven't felt it for a very long time
.

for so long I've just been dreading every next minute, every future hour and day - worrying if I'll cope or crack
.

trying not to think about it; often trying not to write about it; for fear that in thinking or writing about it, acknowledging it, "it" will all cave in and I'll crack once and for all

.

and yet, in the last few days, having booked this holiday at short notice (the children are off with their father for a rather long time - far longer than I'd initally realised - and I just could not face being on my own, so decided I might just be better off somewhere else), I have realised that I'm almost excited at the thought of having a change of scene: being on the coast, by the sea, the possibility of sun, the surety of sand and rock pools and ice cream from an ice cream van, the opportunity to write and send postcards (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!), read a book without interruption, do nothing without feeling guilty - no laundry, no washing up, no cooking, no shopping (apart from for the postcards!!!) (you do know I'll be sending cards, don't you?)
.

so rather than going because I'm scared to be alone here, I've realised that I'm looking forward to going even tho I'll be alone there
.

which is a strange turn of events really
.

in a few weeks time, if you live somewhere where you can see the stars at night - I might be looking at them too
.

(-: